Life or Death

This might be my last post…

                                                                     … or not.

     Having a very playful fate in which it seems to just stab you everyday leaving you bleeding to death. Still you’re hoping for survival. But, you have no choice but you’re dying. You don’t want to let go, but still you have no choice. You want to live but you don’t have blood. Me? I don’t have courage anymore. I hate the world’s rotation.

    Death can be in front of you and kiss you in a blink of an eye. You might not see it coming, you might not feel it kissing. There, at some point, you’ll feel that it’s all over now. It’s all over.

    Sometimes, you have to check the desktop if there’s a message, it might be too short but it can have a deeper meaning. And it’s a part of one’s memory.

    Life or death?

    We don’t know.

 

Jeepney

Everyday I’m riding a jeepney. Sometimes I’m reading my notes while I’m on my way to school, sleeping, listening to music or doing stuff to kill the boredom. I hate riding in the jeepney. First, you have to wait. Then, a long boring journey to school. It sucks. There are times that the jeep’s damn crowded. Argh. Hassle.

Since I’m riding in a jeepney almost everyday since my first sem in college. I’d experienced so many things in that Filipino vehicle.

*One time, while waiting for the jeep to be occupied by 12 persons, I sat next to a woman like in her 40’s. She was endorsing some stones, “magical ones” and what she calls “gayuma”. I was talking to my boyfriend in the phone and she asked things about us. 50 pesos lang neng, malalaman mo kung kayo talaga magkakatuluyan. I smiled and continued my conversation with my boy. After that phone call, she said “may bato ako dito, para maging sunud-sunuran lang sayo yang nobyo mo”. I smiled again and said that I really don’t need it because my boyfriend and I are best buds.*

*”Waiting” An old couple sat beside me. I smiled because they glanced at me. I was so bored that’s why I told them “Kanina pa po ako dito, ang tagal po talaga magpuno po dito .” They asked me, “ilang taon ka na neng? Sa Cavsu ka napasok?”. I said I’m 17 and that I’m taking up Mass Communication in CvSU. I saw they were quite disappointed. They said, “May anak rin kaming kasing edad mo eh. Sa CvSU sa Naic namin pinagaral kasi wala naman kaming pera. Ayun nag-asawa na, hindi na namin siya nakakasama. Akala pa man din namin malapit na matapos yun pagkayod namin. Akala namin makakatapos siya. Kaya ikaw, pwede naman magkanobyo eh, basta’t huwag ka munang mag-aasawa ha. Isipin mo na lang ang hirap ng magulang, lalo na kami, hirap na hirap kami.” then the old lady sighed. I was a little shock. I mean, me? I really miss my mom, super, I cry every night because I’m used to sleeping with my mom beside me and still, I can’t move on. And the daughter of this old lady, we don’t know her reasons, but she’s so lucky to have her mom and dad. I saw their faces, I know they’re good ones. I feel so sorry for them. I comforted the mom and talked to her to lift her up even a little. -sigh-*

*”waiting.again” A woman in her 50’s sat in front of me. Again, I smiled because she glanced at me. She began to ask me questions like how old am I, what course am I taking up and so on. As I answered them, there goes another story. ” Kasing edad mo pala yung anak kong lalaki eh. Eh kaso nag-asawa na yon! Ayun nasa bahay lang, hindi na nag-aaral. Yung babae, ayun at ibingay na sa amin basta ng mga magulang niya. Alangan namang pabayaan namin yon. -scratches in the head- Hindi naman buntis yon eh. Ayan, asawa na ng anak ko. Ang babata pa! -pauses- Bata pa may asawa na. Wala nang magagawa kundi ikayod na rin.” The girl wasn’t pregnant but he’s living with the guy with her parents’ approval. This is unusual, I always thought that a teenager will only have a wife/husband early if the girl’s pregnant. Hmmm. But I admire the old lady. Still, she cared for her manugang. Though they aren’t rich, still she does everything for their living. *

*”waiting.again.and.again” I was the first person in the jeepney. woooh. I have to wait for hours! Then, an old lady (again. but she’s a different one) sat in front of me (again) and I smiled because she glanced at me (again). She asked me if I just arrived, I said no. Then we had a chat about her family, what she did there, what she ate in the morning and a lot more things. Hours passed, I’m still there, the 12 quota isn’t complete yet. Argh. An insect bit me and the lady saw me scratching. Another grandma with her grandchild sat beside me and saw my insect bite. The old lady gave me an ointment and told me “Hay naku kamot ng kamot ayan at namumula na! Pahiran mo nga nito! Kamot ng kamot!” As I’ve said, I’m really emotional. I felt teary eyed because I miss my mom. Hmm.*

Different stories. Different inspirations. Eye openers. All from my jeepney ride.

Now, I don’t know if I really hate it.

Promise me, that won’t happen again…

Nothing much. I can still feel the stress. Woah it’s killing me.

And oh, I’m afraid. You once showed me you can stand up on your own feet. Yeah you know, it did scared me.

There, I sat. As if I ain’t feeling a thing. Showing that I’m strong. That I’m not affected with the things bothering me.

And you,

you showed me you’re strong,

you left me.

You didn’t heard the words I’ve whispered.

Not by my mouth,

but with my heart.

What happened?

I can’t stand the feeling so…

I’m apologizing for all the things that I’ve done. I’m sooo sorry.

Please,

promise me.

You won’t do that again.

I don’t want to be alone…

I believe in your promises,

so believe in mine.

I will never leave you…

Tired of Life’s Games

*sigh*

Damn bored with this life. Full of redundant stories but filled with crazy little thorns being stuck up in my feet.

A sleepless journey came and I was all messed up. I sat and as usual, I glanced up at the sky and there’s this tiny star away from the others. Though this beautiful sight is all alone, I can say that it’s one of the most amazing things God has made. I stared to it as tears started rolling down my cheek one by one until they all came down faster. Things started flashing in my head and I just can’t help it but cry. I’m too pressured at school. I don’t sense much feelings at home, it’s like ” Okay, I live here”. And there’s this blessing, Randel, who just passed by my life. I know he’ll be back in time. Promise me okay?

I want to be where I should be. I want to be in the future.

I keep on avoiding committing mistakes and as I’ve been telling you, I’m sick of the consequences. I’m starting to be numb on some things but still sensitive to the important tidbits of my life. I should be focusing on my studies more, honestly speaking, I’m tired of studying and I find it hard to excel in our subjects this sem and everyday’s a very tiring one. I hate our schedule and I would like to board for I really feel so crushed after my long journey going to school and back home!

Writing. It’s my drug. My emotions. My ideas. My dreams. All in a sheet or just a little sheet of paper. It’s one of my best friends. I can write everything I would want to write. I am the queen. I am the Goddess in that sheet of paper. If writing is a crime, then I’ll be sentenced to death for the repeating disobedience of that law. I’ll die without it for my thoughts are killing myself. It’s taking my life away. Dumping my soul in a place where there’s no more tomorrow. And these killers of mine can be trapped by the words in my paper.

My best friend. My boy friend. My angel. Mine.

Life can be so tough, like a guy who’s cool and all, simple but wise, emotional but strong, weak but a believer, life can be my best friend, my boy. We share everything. We’re like one. But of course we also have differences but crazy ones, I’m telling you. I never had something like him before. I once told myself that I don’t want to have a boyfriend because I hate people dictating me what I shouldn’t do and have a bad mood due to love fights. BORING. But having a boyfriend who’s also your best friend is the best thing in the world. I got someone you can share EVERYTHING. If there’s something he doesn’t know about me, I just forgot to tell him or I forgot the whole thing myself. He’s the most understanding person in the world and I like the way our minds meet. There are some things our mouth can’t say but our eyes are screaming it out loud. He can hear the words my heart is whispering, all behind the strong voice from my mouth. He can see the sadness within, with all my happy smiles. He speaks up his mind. He’s a true person. He tells me when I’m wrong and explains it all to me for I to understand it all the way. He never got mad at me in an instant. He’s always so calm and sweet. He gives me more than enough attention I need. He shows me he loves me. He makes me smile, though I’m in my chaotic world, with his silly jokes. He’s what I’ve been asking for. Got nothing more to say. I can say that he’s really the best guy or the only real guy existing in this planet. Sorry, he’s mine.

I’ll be taking care of you like what you’ve been doing. I’m glad we’re turning one this February. One year isn’t enough for me. I know what we have will be endless. You know it too. I’m so excited to bring our plans to reality. I love you.

 

Bye for now…

Out of My World For A While

Went to school today. Not bad.

I never thought that yesterday’s going to be my blog stats’ best day ever. I mean with all the hatred and all the negativity. I don’t know why. Are those readers started to hate me? Or what? Who’ll understand this tiny mind getting mad and all with just a little thing? I don’t care. This is me.

I remember my friend calling me the cleanest looking emo she saw. And my friend telling me I’m deep and I’m in character at times. Funny eh. But I don’t want myself to think differently. I mean, I want to be a normal teenager. I envy those who can laugh all their problems out and try something else. I tend to take things seriously and the bad thing here is that I’m too sensitive. F!

Duh. Enough. Good thing I went to school today. I get to laugh and forget the drama I’m into. F! I hate myself.

We’re going to work on our project in Social Science this Saturday and I know I’ll be busy and all and that’s good for me. It’s somewhat a documentary and I love those stuff. I’ll post it as soon as we finished it and we’re hoping we can finish the thing on Saturday.

I’m damn bored now that’s why I’m posting nonsense things again. I’m sorry if I’m not being careful in my words here. I just want this to be me. If I’m angry, I’m angry.

Jaycee, I’ll be waiting for you in the blogging world. =)

Hmm.. This would be it for now. My thoughts are being eaten by my emotions and I’m still feeling the nails and my blood flowing. Bye.

I’m currently listening to:

Muera by Saydie

Days of Misery Changed My Points of View

    I may be over reacting to my experiences. I take words seriously. As I’ve said I’m damn emotional. I hate it when people aren’t showing me trust. If you don’t have trust on me, I’ll never trust in you too. Ever. Fuck You.

I appreciate little things but I may get pissed off easily. And once I started to hate something, you’ll be out of my world. Erased. Forget everything I said, you never trusted my words anyway. And that’s what’s you’ll get.

Show me you love me, and I’ll show you mine doubled. Let me feel you believe in me and what I say, I’ll be giving you everything I said and promised. Never give me your prediction especially bad predictions on me for you might not want the results of your stupid mouth. Who are you to judge me? No one’s got a right to judge the way I live, neither tell me what I am for you might not know what’s inside me. Nor tell me what I’ll become for that might give the pressure and my love will give you what you want.

You want me to marry early? Or have a kid as early as tomorrow? Or have an undefined future? Well. I’m damn furious giving my laptop a kiss of my anger. my hatred. everything negative. You ALL FED ME WITH THIS! DAMN!

How can I trust myself and accomplish what i have to achieve if you’re there taking it away from me?!You’re ruining my plans!

And for that someone, giving me his trust. I LOVE YOU! Keep on lifting me up. I can’t take it any longer. I wanna die! FUCK! But it’s you who’s showing me the light. DAMN it shouldn’t be you. And I HATE THOSE DAMN BITCHES who should be the one giving me hope in everything and what are they doing now? THEY’RE FUCKING  BURNING MY DREAMS!!

I may look like a one of em bitches saying this words but fuck the hell that I care. I don’t care anymore. I’ll be dying soon. FUCKERS REJOICE!

CHAOS is over soon.

I can’t let it go..

I don’t know why i feel so tired even in our first class at school. Ewan ko. (Tinagalog LOL)

I told myself last January one that I’ll be happy this year. I won’t make simple things too complicated for me. I told my friends, I don’t want to be an emo anymore. They’re the ones who call me or classify me as one of the emo people, but I’m not as trendy as the other emo kids at school. For me, I just love music, it soothes my soul, my burden and my thorn tears (nagmuta na.wahaha)

Change isn’t that easy I know. But I never thought it might take too long. I’m always trying to forget that I’m too emotional. I’m looking forward on searching for a positive thinking in my system yet it seems like it doesn’t have space for it either. It’s hard.

It’s like, loneliness keeps on embracing me every night and in moments where I’m not busy on something important or sometimes, even while I’m actually doing important things. It’s a huge distraction and I don’t like this. I’m not following a trend or something. Everything written on this blog is me. I see my blog as my best friend. I write because I want to. I say what I want to say. This is me, my life, yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Save me from the darkness. Take me away from this cold night.

Something positive doll, think something positive. Oh, tomorrow will be my our 11th month, a relationship brought up by music,l0ve,and loneliness itself but defines happiness as well. No, it’s still leading to melancholy. I miss my mom. GAwD!

Tomorrow’s my free day. I’m not that glad. I’ll be making assignments and I hope I’ll be able to accomplish them. Actually, I hope I can just rest all day tomorrow. Sleep 24 hours. I love sleeping. I love dreams. I love that journey.

Reality seems to be damn imperfect. In my dreams, I can fly, I can lie on the clouds, pick up stars and play with the moon. In reality, when the darkness covers the town, it’s my time of stopping pearls from running down my cheek. The cold zephyr is whispering words and I can’t help but fall.

No! I’ll stop this. I have to let this go.

I want to hear the angels and demons of dishwalla. i Don’t know, I fell in love with it. Really. I should finish this writing. I’ll all leave you now with this. Good night.

Angels Or Devils”

this is the last time
that I’m ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time – I will fall
into a place that fails us all – inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I’m always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I’m ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear – to see

still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down – come around
I’m always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in – give it up
- and then
take a breath – make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I’m always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

(http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/dishwalla/angelsordevils.html)

I went to that mountain again..

Wala naman. Unang araw ng pasukan mula ng bakasyon dahil sa pasko at bagong taon. Maaga na naman gumising.Badtrip!

Buhay Kolehiyo? Masaya. Kaso tinatamad pa akong pumasok kanina O_o

Pero wala akong nagawa. Nagtext si Ama, ginigising na ako. Pinikit ko muli ang aking mga mata. Ang sarap damhin ng malamig na simoy ng hangin at ng aking kutchon. Ayoko pa bumangon. Nagtext na naman, lalamig na raw ang pagkain. Kaya napilitan na naman akong bumaba.

Ayos lang naman. Kailangang magsikap para mapanatili ang pagiging isko. Tulong ko na rin iyon sa aking mga magulang. Ngunit, magpapahuli ba ako? Siyempre, may irog din ako! Yihee..Uulitin ko, Irog! *LOL*

Masaya ako na mula sa paanan ng bundok ay nagtungo siya sa bundok na aking pinapag-aralan upang sunduin at ihatid sa aming bahay. Pagtungo dito sa aming tahanan, nagkwentuhan kami saglit at umuwi na rin siya dahil nais niya akong makapag-aral para sa aking susunod na araw sa unibersidad. (Haup ang mga words ahahaha!)

normal na.

Buhay ng Kolehiyala?

Hindi ko pa masabi sa ngayon. Bago pa lang ako. Pero, ang mahalaga, naeenjoy ko naman. Wala rin naman akong magagawa, sakyan lang ang buhay, tumawa, ienjoy ang buhay habang andito pa.

Katamaran? Unti-unti nang naitat*e ng katawan ko. bumabalik na kasi sa isip ko na wag kalimutang may pinapaghandaan ako. mahalaga un. mukang stir no pero hindi. may mga pangarap akong aabutin. at hindi imposible sa modern youth na may mga nagpupursigi pa rin para bukas. wala eh, nagiging practical lang ako. kailangan naman talagang umayos sa pag-aaral eh. ako rin mahihirapan sa bandang huli pag di ako tumino ngayon pa lang.

pano.

i’ll stop this nonsense posting and start my freakin review. oh well. i need it. gotta go.

kaya ako nagenglish kasi english nga pala title.wahaha. paepek lang un. papalit2 ako ng gagamiting language para masaya.ahaha

first post dies..

i don’t know why i wanted to have a new blog site. maybe because i’m bored or what. one more thing, what am i going to post? about what? i thought it would be better if i thought of a theme first before having a new blogsite. oh well, i’m here..

so..

i won’t make a long post for now. it’s my first one. i can improve next time.

this blog? i guess it won’t be too good.it won’t be as perfect as you want it to be. it would be just…

more “me”..

i may be cheap but i’m not a fake!